I’ve been in quite a reflective mood the last couple of days and thought it would be good to share more with you around my weight struggles.
At school I was an average size not thin not fat just somewhere in between. I don’t even know when I decided I needed to ‘diet’. I remember my mum doing Weight Watchers and she had a chart on the wall that was coloured coded based on different food groups. I think I first did Weight Watchers when I was 17 and I wanted to lose about half a stone for my first girls holiday abroad. I was still very comfortable in my own skin though. I was 18 when I got my first bar job and 21 when I ran my first pub which I did for 6 years. There is a certain lifestyle that comes with running a pub-especially a city centre one and I could party hard with the best of them! I suppose that’s a big reason drinking and eating takeaways didn’t effect me as I worked as hard as a played so it burnt it off. I know people say that it’s easier to lose weight when you are younger and it probably is but I’m not using age as an excuse for being overweight. When I moved away from that environment the lifestyle continued but I was in a call centre sat down all day or delivering training so the weight came on. That’s when I first joined a gym and I got a real buzz out if it. I was training for 2 hours every day and it showed-I actually had friends approach me concerned that I had become ‘obsessed’ with the gym. When I think about it now what is wrong with being ‘obsessed’ with something that is only going to benefit you?? I’m not sure what happened after that-did those comments get to me more than I thought and subconsciously cut back? I’m not sure.
Within the space of 10 months I worked in India for firstly 9 weeks then 7. I was a size 8 when I went but a 12 by the end of those 10 months-I was partying very hard but I didn’t have time to go to the gym and I was living in a hotel eating hotel food which meant I had very little control. I remember one night being so sick of partying every night that I pretended I was on antibiotics so I didn’t have to drink-I didn’t want to be ‘different’ and admit that I was finding it all too much of a toll on my body.
In the years that followed my weight went up and down. My best friend and I did Slimming World for a while but I ended up bigger than when I started as it just didn’t suit me. I had bought my first home by myself by then and we would go to the Chinese after weigh in and the amount of food and drink we used to have on that Monday-yes Monday night!! was ridiculous.
When I met my husband to be (who had been my first boyfriend when I was 17 and we’re together for 4 years before going our separate ways then met back up over 10 years later) I was around 13.5 stone.
I slimmed down for our wedding by going to a fantastic boot camp-I loved this class but unfortunately she no longer runs it. Shirley who runs it also introduced me to eating clean. Within months I had shrunk down and I was 11.5 when we got married.
Now just to go off topic slightly I think I weigh more than I look. For example me at 11.5 is a size 10. When I was at a size 8 I was still over 10 stone and I’m only 5ft 4 yet my mum who started at Weight Watchers at the same time as me last year weighed 2 stone lighter but was a dress size bigger. So me at 11.5 is fine with me.
As generally happens we settled into married life and had nights in with takeaways and weight came on again.
We married in October 2011 and in March 2012 I got pregnant. I had some bleeding about 12 weeks in and they couldn’t find a heartbeat. On June 5th the day after the Queens jubilee I was admitted into hospital for a forced miscarriage as my body hadn’t recognised that the baby had died and wasn’t miscarriaging naturally. I ate and drank my way through my grief. In a weird way I think I wanted to be fat as that made me feel pregnant if that makes sense. What made it harder was my sister was pregnant at the same time and her due date was 10 days after mine. I was overjoyed for her when my gorgeous niece arrived on 29th December 2012 but couldn’t help falling into a deep despair. My doctor sent me for counselling and we discussed my need to use food as a crutch.
On the same day as my last counselling session I discovered I was pregnant again. I was 13 stone 8 so classed as high risk. I continued with my boot camp throughout my pregnancy and stopped with just 3 weeks to go to my due date. On 18th December 2013 our beautiful daughter arrived. I weighed myself on Christmas Day and I weighed 15 stone 5. I didn’t want to be an overweight mum, I didn’t want to embarrass my precious daughter or give her bad habits growing up so in April 2014 I joined weight watchers and my starting weight was 14 stone 12. By the August I had lost 21 pound through doing Filling and Healthy. I was diagnosed with Post Natal Depression-apparently you are twice as likely to get it if you suffered it with a miscarriage. Again we discussed why I use food as a crutch but I don’t think we resolved anything as there were bigger issues we needed to address. I returned to work in the October and that’s where it all went pear shaped. I work away a lot and in the last 12 months have put it on took it off put it on etc the result being I’m the same weight as I was 12 months ago.
That’s one of my biggest and hardest confessions to make.
Members of our leaders Facebook group have been putting before and after pictures on and I nearly didn’t put one on as I don’t feel I have done what I should have done. I decided I needed to be brutally honest with myself when writing this and it has been very upsetting but my PND fog has lifted even though I still have the odd bad day I know how to deal with it. Writing this has also made me realise why I wanted to lose weight and be healthy in the first place. It’s time to make it about me. Thanks for listening